Is There a Right Way to be Wrong?

We’ve all had situations we look back on where we were so much in the wrong yet felt we were so right in the moment. If we’re all honest, there have probably been several. One personal instance happened during my freshman year of college. I liked a girl who wasn’t really feeling me. Instead, she chose to like someone else. What jaw-dropping audacity. Instead of responding like a mature young adult and moving on, I chose a more embarrassing route. I decided to write a series of poems in the form of daily Facebook statuses for nearly a week about my brief pursuit of her heart. No names would be revealed, I told myself. So what’s the harm in a little public Drizzy Draking about my emotions?

As you can imagine, things got sticky. The content of what I wrote conveyed a sense of entitlement masked by the assertion of how good of a guy I was. And my writing implied things about the object of my scorned affection that anyone would offensive, chief among them being that she was a golddigger who didn’t know what was for her own good. She responded with what my present self can only deem as the appropriate level of clapback. She tagged my name in her iambic Facebook pentameter status calling me out for embarrassing her and defiling her character all over her not liking me back. And she was right. However, at the time I was convinced of my own nobility and thought her unbridled response to me was more harmful than my unsolicited thoughts on her romantic choices.

Why did I think I was right? Some might blame youthful ignorance/arrogance or indiscretion, and that may be true to a degree. However, there were other factors at play. Male privilege definitely played a role. As men, we’re socially conditioned from a very early age that the world should bend at the will of our desires, especially if those desires are of a sexual or romantic nature. This conditioning is not always blatant. Sometimes it’s as subtle as watching a guy in a movie literally chase after a girl who’s turned him down and subsequently end up charming her anyway. Or having your teasing of girls in the schoolyard vindicated by an authority figure saying “Oh he’s just doing that because he likes you.” Unchecked, this social conditioning leads to the development of attitudes of entitlement towards the women we want and in worse cases, the perpetuation of domestic and sexual violence. There’s no question that part of my blindness to my own error was molded by a culture which teaches men to take what they want or take vengeance for lack of reciprocity.  This doesn’t absolve me of personal responsibility but sets some context for my actions.

When and how did I realize the error in my ways? Well not easily. My friends were generally on my side probably because they like me and/or it’s hard to tell a friend they’re wrong and/or we’ve been subject to the same conditioning. My mama tends to have a pretty strict non-engagement policy when it comes to my (pseudo) romantic life so she never seriously chimed in except to say she probably would’ve done the same thing as the aforementioned woman, except in my DMs. And after a relatively short period of time, I reconciled with the person I had the initial conflict with. The realization of my error didn’t hit me suddenly or directly. Life tends not to be that linear. It took realizing that being a revolutionary meant listening to women and respecting their choices and experiences. It took genuine engagement in a few college courses centered around gender. It took dating a self-identified feminist for 9 months who I’m sure I exhausted with my constant need of enlightenment. It took reading a plethora of writers like the brilliant Dr. Brittney Cooper (a.k.a. Professor Crunk). It took a few years of gaining the humility and maturity to critically reflect on my past experiences and try learning from them.

Reflecting on this and other experiences led me to think about how difficult it is for many people, myself included, to admit fault or embrace accountability from others. We live in a culture that rewards certainty. Mind what I said now. We live in a culture that rewards certainty, not necessarily correctness. Being sure is more important than being receptive. This is especially true among White people and men in general. The humility of conceding wrong is seen as a synonymous with weakness and it disrupts how the world has been framed to us – our voices as neutral and rational and deviations from that as inherently suspicious. Coming up out of this mentality is hard continuous work for anyone, but I believe there a few things that can be done for those interested in a more earnest existence.

For starters, I think everyone needs some solid “no people”. Yes it’s important to have folks around you who support your endeavors and encourage you to keep moving forward. But you also need folks who will not hesitate to point out bullshit as soon as they smell it. Usually, you don’t need as many of these people around because they make their displeasure or disapproval known early and often. And if you ask their opinion, they won’t sugarcoat it. Having solid “no people” around that you actually listen to hinders you from continuously screwing up in the same way. Where are these people found? Well I’m a damn good “no person”, and I’m from the heart of Alabama. So maybe seek out average-sized Blacks in red states. But in all seriousness, pay attention to who you’ve gone to for honest feedback or the person you avoid sharing things with that you want to be obliviously happy about. They’re probably the “no person” you need but don’t deserve.

Another thing is, we have to doubt our own intelligence more often. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t value what we know. What I mean is we shouldn’t be so confident in our own knowledge that we’re not open to correction or modification. Part of being an intelligent person is realizing how much there is that you don’t know. How we think is shaped by our own unique experiences. So when considering actions that impact or have impacted other people, we shouldn’t just lean on our own understanding, but consider those other experiences as well. That’s half God-talk, I’m never going to Hell.

Finally, we have to learn to shift our thinking. Instead of seeing errors and shortcomings as negative, they should be viewed as opportunities for growth. This turns potentially embarrassing moments into learning opportunities. When being called out or corrected, we have to consider the content of and the reason behind the reaction rather than having a response to the visceral nature of being confronted. Even if you realize you’re wrong on your own, it’s no time to mire in shame. For starters, your guilt don’t help no damn body. It’s the response to receiving correction that often matters so much more than the wrong thing you did or said to begin with (most times).

Bonus: Learn to say a damn apology that don’t start with “I’m sorry you felt-”. Seriously. It’s not an apology if you don’t take personal responsibility for your role in the matter. Be humble. Sit down.

My suggestions are in no way exhaustive nor is my experience representative of anyone’s but my own. Feel free to insert your own tips for moving towards admitting fault and accepting accountability upon realizing error. Because I could very well be wrong about this too. What I do know is that acknowledging and correcting one’s mistakes is not a skill that comes easily to most. So while on the journey to be better us’es, let’s remember to be kind to ourselves as well.